growing up

I'm not sure where i'm standing
on an island in the shade
the sun a distant memory
beating down heavily
colder than rain
harsher than sleet
pebbles falling at my feet.
The future is big, blank and looming.
the present is bleak with it's petulant musing
and the past is muddled, cross and confusing
Sleep wells up in my heart
and i lay down to rest
but my eyes are forced open
reluctant dreams weigh on my chest.
I can't pretend to like this place
it fills me with despair
moments of fleeting hope are rare.
Rhymes are a simple satisfaction.
they lend themselves to the kind of distraction
that holds a certain amount of attraction
to a soul in a place that's as doleful as this.
i'd give anything for a moment of bliss
but despite that respite i would feel my strength yield
perhaps i should throw myself further afield...
but i burned that bridge and closed that door
so now i'll rhyme a little more
if it keeps me from thinking and feeling and being
i can't close my eyes and i cant handle seeing
the things in my head
they twist and they pull
and they fill my heart till it's overly full
and i sit here awake
feeling awkward and low.
a little more distant with every non blow
to my concious confidence
broken and shamed.
and here i am again and again.
i'd hate for these tremors to pass undetected
and for these reflections to break unreflected.
but for now let me stand unadorned, uncorrected.

i am who i am and not a thing more
but sometimes
i wish
things could be like before.